Third Railed

Cis het woman here. I got extremely angry today because a guy I’ve been seeing (let’s call him “Cam”) in a MFM triad for the past ten years started to film me giving head to my other male partner (call him “Stan”) without asking. I only have two “third rail” boundaries, Dan, and one of them is no photography. This happened one other time, a few years ago, when Cam started videotaping Stan fucking me. Stan noticed and told Cam to stop. Both times my face was showing. I got very angry that time too, and for months he had to leave his phone in a different room from where we were playing. Both times Cam’s defense was that he was not going to post the video anywhere, he just wanted to watch it later because it was so hot, and he would make sure no one that had his phone could get to it. I told him the first time that this was a boundary of mine, and it doesn’t matter if he agrees with it.

Cam’s other boundary violation was twice not using a condom — without asking me and without my knowledge. This was a few years ago. It was only after he was told that I was sleeping with other guys that he realized he needed to always wear one.

Photography and stealthing are two third rails, and Cam has done both. I told him that I can’t be relaxed when we’re playing if I constantly have to be on guard that he’s going to violate a boundary. Relationships depend on trust. Stan has tried to mediate. He’s urged me not to throw away the ten years of amazing experiences over this. Right now, I can’t imagine doing anything with Cam again, but realistically, I know I’ll give in because the sex when it’s the three of us is so amazing. They’ve been the best sex of my life, so I guess we’ll have to keep his phone in another room. Stan also said he will keep a lookout. Am I giving in too easily? Or is accepting that I will never be able to fully trust Cam the price of admission I have to pay?

For context, they’re in their late 30s and I’m a bit older.

This Really Is About Dick

If photography and stealthing are your third rails, TRIAD, why isn’t this Cam person dead? (To you, not literally.) As I understand third rails, touch one — just once — and you’re a dead man. But Cam has plopped whole ass down on your third rails over and over again, TRIAD, and not only isn’t that man dead to you, you’re this close to allowing Cam back into your bedroom and your body.

Let’s review: If Cam didn’t know about your “no photography” boundary before he made that first video, he found out immediately after… and did it again anyway. If Cam thought condoms were optional before he stealthed you that first time, he found out they were required as soon as you learned what he had done… and he did it again anyway. And Cam didn’t start using condoms because he suddenly got religion about your boundaries, TRIAD, Cam started using condoms once he discovered a boundary of his own: it was only after he learned — or after he got through his thick skull — that you were sleeping with other guys. So, you couldn’t count on Cam to use condoms to protect your health and peace of mind, but Cam could count on Cam to use condoms to protect his own health and peace of mind. What a guy.

Now let’s review Stan’s actions, TRIAD, which seem just as disqualifying as Cam’s: Instead of being furious with Cam for potentially screwing up the very good thing the three of you have going, Stan is pressuring you not to “throw away” ten years of great sex. (Which is absurd, TRIAD, because ending things with Cam won’t erase your memories of the last ten years.) Instead of blowing up at Cam for touching the third rail with his dick yet again, Stan is making excuses for Cam. And instead of enjoying sex with you one-on-one and jumping on the hookup apps together to find a sexually adventurous man who was 1. excited to take Cam’s place 2. could be trusted to keep his ass off your third rails, Stan is trying to figure out how to get Cam back in a position to violate you again.

All that said, TRIAD, if these Stan & Cam threesomes are really that amazing and you’re willing to let Cam get away with being Cam and you really think you can trust Stan to keep an eye on Cam… well, people have done dumber things for good dick/dicks. We each get to decide what price of admission we’re willing to pay, TRIAD, and if having sex with someone you know you can’t trust is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to keep fucking these guys, you can go ahead and pay it. But someone who’s violated your trust four times over the last ten years — and we’re only talking about the four times that you know about (does he have videos you didn’t catch him making?) — is probably gonna violate your trust again at some point over the next ten years. So, don’t go into this… or don’t go back into this… unless you’re prepared to pay an additional price.

P.S. Stan has offered to “keep a lookout” if you agree to start fucking Cam again. But can you trust Stan to bust Cam for a boundary violation if doing so means these threesomes will stop?

P.P.S. It’s not just his phone Cam can’t be trusted with, TRIAD, it’s his dick too. And while he could leave his phone in the other room, he can’t — barring a surgical intervention — leave his dick in the other room with his phone.

My sister was in a relationship with a woman I’ll call Julia. During the eight years they were together, my partner and I spent a lot of time with my sister and Julia. We all lived in the same city, we shared a lot of interests, and it was fun. As often happens, my sister eventually broke up with Julia, who was shocked and hurt by the breakup. Nobody cheated or did anything egregious, but my sister was over the relationship: a no-fault breakup. A year and a half have passed but my sister still gets upset whenever we — me and my partner — hang out with Julia. I’m not as close to Julia as my partner is, but given that my partner and I share a life together the three of us often end up hanging out. Recently, my partner posted a picture to social media of the two of them together, and my sister texted my partner to express her hurt that they posted evidence of their friendship where they knew she would see it. I think my sister is acting unreasonably, but I also wonder if there are reasonable boundaries for hanging out with one’s partner’s sister’s ex. My partner and Julia see each other almost every week, and while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that in a moral sense, I could see how I would feel hurt in my sister’s shoes. Is there anything I can do to help my sister here? Are there reasonable “boundaries” when dealing with friends/family who are also each other’s exes?

Stuck In Between

Unless there’s something you don’t know — unless Julia did something egregious and, for some reason, your sister chose not to share that information with you — your sister is going to have to grow up. If this was the “no-fault breakup” you were led to believe it was, then you and your partner are allowed to continue seeing Julia socially, SIB, and you shouldn’t have to sneak around — you shouldn’t have to keep Julia off your social media — to appease your sister.

When a breakup is messy — when there’s enough material to write another one of those somebody done somebody wrong songs — the party that was done wrong has has a right to expect family members to cut the wrongdoer out of their lives. But if the only thing Julia did “wrong” was having your sister break her heart, it’s unreasonable for your sister to expect you to sever a friendship she invited you to form when she brought Julia into your lives in the first place.

Our partners often form relationships with our family members that exist independently of our relationship with our partner. It’s a lesson I learned early in life when one of my uncles divorced his wife after ten years of marriage and two kids. My mother and her sisters had all become close to their brother’s now-ex-wife, and my uncle was furious that his “disloyal” sisters continued to treat his ex-wife like a member of the family. But my mom and her sisters refused to stop treating my aunt as a member of the family and my uncle, thanks to his sisters, wound up having a cordial relationship with his ex thanks to the “disloyalty” of his sisters. Here’s hoping your sister comes around too.

My wife and I are in our late 40s and have been married for 23 years, with teenage children. Our sex life is virtually nonexistent. I would guess we have sex once every 4-5 months. This doesn’t seem to bother her at all. But it bothers me a lot. I’m not someone who needs sex all the time, but even once a month would be a huge improvement. For me, it’s not just about the pleasure of sex itself, but the feeling of closeness and oneness that comes from it. I feel it’s important to a marriage.

The biggest problem is that if I bring the subject up at all she gets mad about it. I know the key to a strong marriage is communication, but it’s to the point now where I rarely bring it up at all. If I do bring it up I usually do so in very subtle ways, hoping that just maybe she’ll open up. But it’s always silence.

One of the problems is that I have never been able to last long in bed. It’s often very quick. And more recently, in the few times we have been intimate, I’ve had trouble getting erect. Looking at it from my wife’s perspective, I think she’s probably to the point where it’s simply not worth it. This had made me nervous to make a move. But I’m sure I would be able to perform better if we could talk about my problems. And while I understand that sex hasn’t been enjoyable for her, I also know that there are many ways to enjoy intimacy in addition to penetration. With communication and open-mindedness, I feel sure we could find what brings pleasure. But, as I said, she isn’t open to communication.

There’s also the issue of perimenopause and changes to her body. I know she doesn’t feel as sexy and that’s probably a big contributor. But I still find her every bit as attractive as I did when we met, which I’ve expressed to her. I would be incredibly grateful for any suggestions for how to approach this with her. I know a sex therapist or counselor might help, but I’m confident she would push back big time on that idea.

Marital Intimacy Nearing Death Spiral

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