Quickies

1. I’m a woman living with a supportive, caring man. We’ve been together — on and off — for twenty years. The sex is always hot when we get back together. Then, after a year, the sex fades to nothingness. I believe the problem is that hot “reunited” sex only turns me on for a while and then I crave a more passionate, erotic connection, which is not his thing. He’s a wham-bam kind of guy. This time around, after we didn’t have sex for a year, he had an affair. I was devastated. Help?

Break up with him for cheating on you, get back together when (or if) you can forgive him for cheating on you, dump him when the sex has started to fade but before he has a chance to cheat on you again. Then start the cycle over again.

2. Will hooking up and having fun while single lessen my hunger for an LTR? I’m horny!

I met my husband doing something fun and sleazy (drunken one-night stand in Seattle) and I met my boyfriend doing something fun and sleazy with my husband (sex dungeon in Berlin). So, if you go into your hookups with the right mindset — fun hookup partners can make a great life partners — you could wind up finding the LTR you want while you’re out there having the horny fun you need.

3. Should I take on a summer lover even though I really want a partner?

Yes!

P.S. Lover? We’re not using that word — it’s gross.

4.I got on a dating app and pretty much instantly matched with the couples counselor I saw with my ex. This feels unethical. But is it?

It’s not unethical for a couples counselor to be on dating apps and — according to the American Psychological Association — it’s not unethical for a mental health provider to date a former client provided more than two years have elapsed since the client/provider relationship was terminated. (There are, of course, other considerations.)

P.S. I’m assuming this person “swiped right” on you and that weirded you out. If your pictures aren’t recent and/or aren’t representative, there’s a chance your former counselor didn’t recognize you. There’s also a chance your former counselor is a creep. You aren’t required to see this person just because you matched with them on an app. If it’s giving you the icks, block ‘em and move on.

5. What’s the most creative way you’ve ever heard of someone ending a relationship honestly?

I’ve watched some extremely dramatic breakup videos — people confronting cheating partners with evidence of an affair, sometimes at the altar in front of family and friends — but those breakups strike me as performative, vindictive, and (perhaps) deeply satisfying, but not “creative.” I’m not even sure what a “creative” breakup would look like or why someone would want to get creative with a breakup. Seems to me that breakups should be simple and direct conversations, not elaborately staged affairs. The flashmob proposal fad was bad enough — do we want to live in a world with flashmob breakups?

6. Thinking about staging an old-school flashmob wedding proposal. Good idea or not? Is there a reason people don’t seem to do them anymore?

“Do it,” said a good friend who staged a flashmob wedding proposal that went viral a decade and a half ago. “The worst that could happen is your partner says no and you’re humiliated in front of a bunch of people. The second worst is they say yes and then leave you for someone else after you’re married — you’ll still be humiliated, but in front of fewer people.” (Full disclosure: My friend’s partner said yes, married him, and then left him for someone else. Still, he has no regrets — not about his marriage or about the flashmob proposal he organized.)

7. What do gay men think of shirt-cocking? Women of all orientations seem to be united in our disgust of the practice, but are there any gay men who think it’s hot? I’m all for shirtless and naked men, but shirt-cocking is just…well, gross, in my estimation.

I have something of an in-house expert when it comes to shirt-cocking, aka “Donald Ducking,” which is when a man wears a t-shirt and nothing else.

“I love it,” said Terry Miller, my husband and a huge fan of shirt-cocking. “Maybe it was an old locker room moment that imprinted on me. But there’s something about a hot guy in a cropped tee and a Speedo or naked from the waist down. Fucking hottest thing ever.”

My husband, of course, speaks for all gay men everywhere.

8. What are your thoughts on the film Thanks for Sharing?

Do you mean the 2012 romantic comedy about sex addicts starring Mark Ruffalo and Gwyneth Paltrow? Haven’t gotten around to watching it but plan to — no spoilers, please!

9. Navigating the kink scene online as a professional (educator)… is it possible? Is it silly to share pics?

Thomas Rosengren was one of eleven finalists for the Teacher of the Year Award in Minnesota when a rightwing “news” website found some PG-13 pics of him in leather and posted them. Rosengren is longer employed by the public school where he worked. This didn’t happen in 1996 — it happened in 2026. So, while it’s definitely possible to navigate the kink scene as a professional educator, you’ll need to be very careful about where you post your pics and who you share them with.

10. I’ve never heard you talk about my kink: hotpast. Some people get turned on by listening to their partners talk about the sex life they had before they met. Like most men, I started out jealous if my girlfriend mentioned anything about her past. But as our relationship progressed — my girlfriend is now my wife — it became a turn on for me. I know I’m not alone. It’s hotwifing light!

I shared your letter with Hopeful Cuck, one of the hosts of the “Cuck My Life” podcast, because sharing stories about previous sexual experiences is sometimes a gateway to cuckolding. So, If this is a kink, I figured Hopeful and his crew would know about it.

“I dropped this question into the hive mind,” said Hopeful. “’Complimentary Compersion,’ and ‘retrocompersion’ got tossed out as other possible names for this kink, but we all agreed that ‘hotpast’ is the best name for it. For some men, this might be a stand-in for ‘actual’ cuckolding.  So many men can’t imagine their wives sleeping with someone new but get turned on by the idea that she used to sleep with new guys. It’s also a much safer option for women. Is it a gateway? Probably not for all, but it can be a first step for some! We love the name!”

The Cuck My Life podcast — the podcast by cucks for cucks (and other adjacent people) — is available on all podcasting platforms.

11. Is it normal for my orgasms to get stronger the older I get?

It’s normal for you, you lucky bastard.

12. Dating a friend’s ex: out of bounds or fair play?

Fair play. Setting up a friend with your ex? God-level play.

P.S. Friends don’t blindside friends. If you’re dating a friend’s ex, do the right thing and tell your friend. Don’t let them find out about it from a mutual or — even worse — from social media.

13. Great sex with my ex who says he could never be in love with me again? Yes or no?

I would be happy to have great sex with your ex — provided he’s hot. (What’s his Insta?)

P.S. My meddling, middling killjoy of an editor gently suggested that you might be asking whether you should have great sex with your ex again. If that’s the case, my advice would be… as my advice so often is… depends. Fucking an ex who doesn’t love you when you still love them — especially if you’re hoping to get back together — keeps an already existing wound open and could leave you with another, even deeper wound when your ex inevitably moves on. If you’re still in love with your ex, having mediocre sex with someone else is probably a better idea than having great sex with your ex — assuming you were asking about yourself and not offering your ex to me.

14. Monogamous heterosexual here. I do anal with my GF and I wanna donate blood. Should I lie on the form?

If you’re having anal sex in the context of a monogamous relationship that has been going on for longer than three months, you’re allowed — gay or straight — to donate blood, no lies required.

15. I lived with a close female friend last year. Her boyfriend entered the picture while we were living together, and she started showing disordered traits. When she started having tantrums when she didn’t get her way, I moved out. When I returned to grab something I left behind, she was full on crying, and then got mad when I didn’t show her any empathy. I haven’t talked to her in six months, but she reaches out. Should I keep this friendship closed? She has no friends now — the last friend she lived with also moved out early — but she is friends with some of my other friends, which is awkward.

You aren’t obligated to stay in touch with someone you find unpleasant — even if the source of their unpleasantness is the result of an untreated mental illness you aren’t qualified to diagnose.

P.S. She has no friends… except for the friends you have in common?

16. I am a 70-year-old, cisgender, closeted bisexual man. I’ve been happily married to a woman for forty monogamous years. My wife is very accepting of gays but has no empathy for bisexual people, which is the reason I haven’t told her. She occasionally takes trips with family without me. During those trips I spend a lot of time with a friend of mine in a similar situation. My feelings for my friend are deep. My friend and I have agreed to no sex and to not doing anything that would be considered cheating. What is your opinion on what is possible for us — feelings or more — but wouldn’t be considered cheating?

Does my opinion really matter? The issue is the wife and her opinions — one of which has kept you in the closet for the last four decades. If you don’t want to cheat, you’ll have to wait until you’re a widower to do anything even remotely sexual with your similarly situated friend.

P.S. Bisexual and married to a biphobe for forty years, sure — but happily? Really?

17. A terrible thing happened to me. I fell in love with a guy — and then found out he was sent to prison and isn’t getting out. I am heartbroken. I refuse to speak to him ever again because of what happened. I also have never been too lucky with men. I work so hard all the time, and I never seem to get the right outcome. I just can’t wait to get over this broken heart. Will I ever feel normal again?

Reading between the lines… you can’t have known this person very well (or for very long) if you only found out he was in serious legal trouble after he was sent to prison for the rest of his life. I’m not trying to minimize your feelings — the pain you’re in is real — but the cliché applies: time heals all wounds. And falling in love with someone (someone you met online?) and getting your heart broken isn’t proof that you’ll never find love. It’s proof that you can. The takeaway here is not to get too invested in someone emotionally too soon — at the very least, you need to meet them in person a few times (and maybe do an online search for outstanding warrants).

18. There’s this one guy whom I’m convinced is going into a lavender marriage! I want to say something at the top of my lungs on Facebook. Maybe he’s bi, and maybe there’s some femmephobia going on in me, but goddam, this guy’s gayer than a thong on gay cruise ship. I’m angry for multiple reasons. Why are women so fucking stupid?!?

Let’s not confuse an ethical lavender marriage for a marriage that involves deceit, e.g. a selfish and/or deluded closet case using a woman as a human closet. It’s possible the woman who is about to marry this man knows he’s gay and it’s fine — because she wants kids and a coparent and/or she’s asexual and/or she wants a husband who would never cheat on her with another woman. If this woman is a friend and you suspect she’s about to marry a selfish and/or deluded and/or manipulative closet case, you should say something to her in person, not on Facebook. If she’s not a friend, you can either STFU or you can ask mutual friends (if you have any) if they’re seeing what you’re seeing. And if they are, you should ask them if they’re going to say something to her, like good friends should.

19. I’m a poly woman with a burdensome secret. Someone I was dating for several years let me know that he regularly had unprotected sex with other partners and did not tell his wife. At the time he told me this (a couple years ago), I was in a pretty bad place mentally and I wasn’t in a place to tell her. Now, it’s been a year and I’m strong enough I think I could bear the messy fallout. But I’m unsure. They’ve got kids, it’s possible he’s no longer doing this, it’s possible she’s gotten on board with him having unprotected sex with others. It’s also possible that if I share this information, I get pushed out of the small town ENM community in which he and I co-exist. What do you think?

“If this had been a one-night stand two years ago that the writer harbored guilt about, I would have cited the principle of does this help or hurt and might have landed on keeping silent because it would only hurt the wife — but this is not that,” said Natalie Davis, author of Saying Yes: My Adventures in Polyamory and the editor of Polyamory Today. “And I have to say the husband was selfish to put his then-partner in a co-conspirator role against the wife. WTF? That is not the poly way! As for what to do now, assuming good intentions by the writer — the safety of the wife and his other partners against STIs, the risk the husband could father a child, and the overriding ENM goal of honesty and open communication — I would suggest that she meet with the husband and the wife together. Engage in nonviolent communication. Calmly state the facts — what the husband told the writer, her discomfort at the time with the information and her inability to take action for whatever reason. What happens next is for the husband and wife to navigate.”

Follow Natalie Davis on Instagram @NatalieDavisAdventures.

20. I’m a 38-year-old woman. My husband claims he’s bisexual. He hasn’t been interested in sex with me for several years, he sends dick pics and videos to other men on Snapchat, he sought out a gay doctor (“they’re better doctors”), and he is addicted to poppers and male porn. I’m pretty sure he’s just gay, otherwise wouldn’t he be more interested in me or at least cheating on me with other women. I feel like I have no choice but to leave him and like I was just his beard. Please tell me what to do.

Your marriage is a lot of things, but lavender isn’t one of them — DTMFA.

P.S. Also, reading Kelly Foster Lindquist’s Beard: Memoir of a Marriage >will make you feel less alone.

21. I’m a straight married man with kids. I haven’t done it since high school, but something about jerking off with another man turns me on so much and I want to revisit it. If I want to meet a guy and jerk off with him — no touching one another —  should I run it by my wife first? I told her that I did this in high school, but I’m unsure how she’ll react if I tell her I’d love to do it again.

If you haven’t already listened to my response to your question on Episode 1020 of the Savage Lovecast — and I’m guessing you haven’t, seeing as you submitted your question in writing for the column after your call was featured on the Lovecast — DON’T LISTEN! Instead, read what my listeners had to say in response to your question (and my terrible, no good, really bad advice) in the comment thread about that show. Do what they said! Don’t do what I said!

Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love!

Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!

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