Cleaning House

Bisexual AFAB non-binary here. (And a Magnum sub!) I have a legal query I’m hoping you or perhaps one of your guest experts might be able to help with? I’m a self-employed cleaner in Portland, Oregon, who offers a discount for LGBTQ+ folks on first cleans. The discount attracts the kinds of clients I want, queer and straight. I don’t work for MAGA types or even third-party types — and that’s a two-way street. Those people don’t usually like my prices, pronouns, tattoos, and hair. I don’t want to be alone in their homes or take their money

I have a regular slot opening up for the first time in a while. Against my better judgment, I took to my old Facebook account and made a post, including said discount. Of course, some asshole from my conservative hometown felt the need to chime in and tell me it’s discriminatory and illegal. She went on to say she can’t “start a business that only hires straight, white women” but she’s obviously conflating two very different things. I did some research but can’t seem to find a definitive answer for this woman. To me, this is akin to a seniors’ or children’s discount at a buffet. Not every single senior or child eats less, but on average they do, and it gets their families in the door. Queer folks, on average, are less likely to have kids, and thus tend to have cleaner homes and more disposable income to spend on the kind of luxury service I offer. And literally anyone could get the discount, they’d just have to say it applies to them. It’s not like I’m gonna ask for proof!

At the end of the day, even if this is technically illegal, I’m still going to offer this discount on principle. The likelihood that someone sues me over $50-80 seems infinitesimally small. But I would like to know before I advertise this open slot again. Thanks so much and happy Pride!

Quote Unduly Enrages Essentially Repugnant Sulkers

“Advocates for the rights of LGBTQ+ Oregonians fought for years to secure protections against discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, which they finally achieved with passage of the Oregon Equality Act in 2007,” said Misha Isaak, an attorney in Oregon who has worked on important LGBT civil rights cases. “Still today, only 23 states have laws that protect our community from discrimination. The Oregon law applies to all businesses that offer services to the public; it does not distinguish between discrimination in favor of or against LGBTQ+ people.”

While our community fought for these laws because we were the ones getting discriminated against based on our sexual orientations and gender identities — and while we’re still fighting for those laws in states where they’re still needed (and we’re going to have to fight to defend them in states where we’ve already won them) — these laws protect anyone and everyone from discrimination based on their sexual orientation or gender identity. Which means it’s just as against the law in Oregon for you to discriminate against someone for being straight or cis, QUEERS, as it would be for someone else to discriminate against you for being gay or bi or trans or pan or omni or ace, etc., etc., et al, etc.

“Of course, the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution trumps state laws, and the Supreme Court has said that businesses engaged in ‘expressive activities,’ like designers of wedding websites, have a free speech right not to participate in celebrating marriages they disapprove of,” said Isaak. “Is house-cleaning an ‘expressive activity’ under this line of cases? I doubt it. So, if QUEERS wants to be selective about their clientele, they should consider promoting their business based on classifications that aren’t protected under the law — like customers’ attitudes toward them.”

P.S. “The example of a ‘senior discount’ is an interesting one,” said Isaak. “Oregon’s nondiscrimination law specifically allows: ‘the offering of special rates or services to persons 50 years of age or older.’”

P.P.S. It’s also against the law in Oregon to discriminate against people for having children, QUEERS, so you might wanna keep “no kids” off your Facebook posts too.

P.P.P.S. You’re welcome and happy Pride to you too!

Misha Isaak argued the case that struck down Oregon’s same-sex marriage ban and served as in-house counsel for former Oregon Governor Kate Brown. He is now a partner at Stoel Rives.

I have built up a scary story about the club. My partner loves them. They are a great dancer. They connect with our friends and strangers really easily on a dance floor and it gives them life. We’re in a queer community where it feels like we’re being invited to the club every week. I love to dance, but I feel uncomfortable dancing with people. When I dance alone while my partner dances with other people, I feel worried that people are judging me, and my partner is disappointed in me. I’ve turned the club into a referendum on my worth and my sexiness, and I project sexual intent and meaning onto the type of dancing my partner does with our friends/other people. (I swear it LOOKS sexy, but this is just something folks like to do!) Now, I clam up when my partner tries to dance with me because I’ve gotten so uncomfortable, which makes me even more sad because I really do want to connect with them in that way. They tell me that it is not important to them that I be a sexy club dancer, they just want me to have fun. It adds so much friction in our day-to-day life that they love this thing and I’m so stressed and insecure about it. I can’t even tell if I like the club because I’m so caught up in this story.

I know your husband loves the club. The gays love the club. I know you don’t love the club. Has this ever been a struggle for you? Can you offer anything useful around this problem?

Private Dancer

Where’s the scary part of this story?

Your opening line had me braced for something terrifying — murder on the dance floor or married men on the downlow or truck-stop sushi on the dashboard — but all I got was two very different and very valid ways of loving the club.

You like dancing by yourself. Your partner likes grinding on other people. Your partner says they don’t need you to be a sexy club dancer — they don’t need you to love the club the same way they do — and instead of taking your partner at their word, PD, you’re telling yourself a story about other people judging you and/or your partner being disappointed in you for not wanting to grind with him and his friends (old ones and brand new ones) on the dance floor. And while you don’t say what you worry other people might be thinking, PD, I’m going to climb out on a limb here and guess you’re worried other people think your partner is cheating on you and/or is interested in cheating on. But if you know that’s not what they’re doing… and your mutual friends know that’s not what they’re doing… and if they arrive with you, check in with you periodically (which is most likely what they’re doing when they try to dance with you), and they leave with you… who cares what other people at the club think?

The answer to that question, of course, is you. You care what other people think, PD, or you care about what you assume other people think. If you can’t get those thoughts out of your head… and if those thoughts are so destructive that club nights are causing daily friction in your relationship… why are you going to the club at all?

P.S. Terry likes the club, I don’t. Here’s the fix that worked for us: I don’t go. And on those rare occasions when I do get dragged to the club — Terry thinks it’s important that we be seen in public together once in a while — I’m free to leave at any time. Knowing I can get on a Lime scooter and go home whenever I want makes me feel less pressured to stay, PD, which often results in me hanging out at the club a little bit longer than I would’ve if I didn’t have the option to leave.

P.P.S. Yes, I’m too old for the club. And so is Terry — but don’t tell him I said so.

I’m a gay man in a long-term relationship with a wonderful boyfriend whom I love deeply. We’ve been together for many years, and I want to make clear from the outset that my concern isn’t about his appearance. I love him exactly as he is, and I would continue to love him at any weight. The complication is that I’m very much into bears. My boyfriend already has a bit of a belly, which I find incredibly attractive. Recently, he’s become interested in gaining a significant amount of weight and has talked about wanting me to actively help him get much fatter. He’s excited by the idea of being fed, encouraged to eat more, and embracing a much larger body.

I’m trying to navigate this respectfully. On the one hand, I don’t want to be fatphobic or assume that bigger automatically means unhealthy. I also don’t want to shame him for a fantasy or a body type that I genuinely find attractive myself. On the other hand, what he’s proposing isn’t just letting his weight change naturally over time. He’s talking about deliberately gaining a lot of weight fairly quickly, which would likely involve consuming large amounts of fatty, greasy, sugary foods on a regular basis. My concern isn’t aesthetic —it’s whether actively participating in helping someone gain substantial weight in this way could have serious long-term health consequences.

Part of me worries that if I go along with it, I’d be enabling behavior that could increase his risk of health problems down the road. Another part of me worries that if I resist, he’ll hear it as rejection or judgment of his body. How should a partner balance respect for a loved one’s bodily autonomy, sexual fantasies, and personal choices against legitimate concerns about their health? Is there a way to support him and remain sex-positive without feeling like I’m helping someone I love harm himself?

Concerned Bear Lover

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